Break the rules like no one's watching
I look back at the version of myself that fought to leave and I’m grateful. Because she proved to me that I could listen to my gut, push through resistance, and make choices without external approval. — Wairimu Ndung’u
After a week away, an insightful radio interview and a successful masterclass, I’m back with many reflections.
In this edition:
Some rules shape us. Others need to be broken.
A framework for breaking them.
STORY
Trusting yourself when it counts
I knew I couldn’t stay. That much was clear. The high school I’d chosen was breaking me, and I needed to find a way to stay alive
But leaving? That was a fight. The rule in my family was simple: once you pick a school, you finish there.
I understood the rationale; a consistent environment provides stability and potentially better results.
Except, I wasn’t willing to gamble with my life.
After my suicide attempt, I gave the same school another year before I decided to leave. It was the only way to resuscitate my grades and health (I knew I’d likely try again if things didn’t change).
I mapped out my argument, proposed a school that would still help me the grades we all wanted and advocated for myself.
This was individuation in action.
Individuation is the process of becoming yourself, separate from the roles, expectations, and beliefs imposed on you.
It’s how we build self-trust, aligning our choices with the life we want—not the one our parents, friends, teachers or society design for us. And it starts at home.
Parents are our first blueprint for authority. They represent the wider societal pressures we’ll spend our lives navigating.
Learning to respectfully question and, when necessary, challenge their decisions for you strengthens the muscle of self-trust.
And trust in yourself is the foundation for every major life decision.
One year after the switch, I aced my national exams. I vividly remember the long drive to pick up my certificate. My father randomly said, “You made the right decision.”
I look back at the version of myself that fought to leave and I’m grateful. Because she proved to me that I could listen to my gut, push through resistance, and make choices without external approval.
That’s individuation. A skill I am still perfecting and using to date.
The more you practice it, the more you own your wins and failures, the more you build a life that’s truly yours.
STUDY WITH ME
I’m currently obsessed with everything business and personal development. Here are my top picks this week but Dragon’s Den and Shark Tank also have a special place in my heart.
Watch: Founder Emma Grede Talks Good American and Overcoming Fear
Listen: Figuring Out Your Future in 3 Steps With Marie Forleo
TRIAGE
Seeing the patterns, changing the story
I discovered socialisation through my gender studies training. Babies aren’t born with solid identities but become who they are by absorbing and imitating the world around them.
If you had been born at a different time, in a different place, to different parents, you might be a radically different person.
This is why individuation involves reshaping the social forces that have moulded you. I started therapy in 2016 and interpersonal therapy (IPT) has helped me throughout this process.
Interpersonal therapy focuses on how our current relationships shape our emotions, decisions, and self-perception. It’s not digging into the past but spotting ongoing patterns in:
How we engage in conflict
How we seek validation
How we set (or don’t set) boundaries
What does this have to do with individuation? Everything.
One of the biggest challenges in becoming your person is identifying the invisible ties pulling you toward the expectations of others.
IPT can help you see those ties clearly and here are some ways I use it:
Identify influential relationships: Who has influenced your major life decisions? What messages have they given you about success, love, and self-worth?
Notice your default responses: Do you seek approval before making choices? Do you hesitate to say no? Where do these instincts come from?
Reframe your decisions: Instead of asking, “Will this disappoint them?” ask, “Does this align with who I want to become?”
Practice new responses: Share a decision without over-explaining or executing without external approval and observe how you feel.
If you’re in a season where you’re questioning your path, take a step back and examine the relationships that have shaped your thinking.
The work never stops
When I fought to leave my school, I was practising individuation.
But the deeper work of self-inquiry, unlearning parental fear and the ability to navigate pushback all began in the mind.
Look within. You might just find the permission you’re looking for was always yours to give.
WN